I have no idea where to even begin.
Still not sure how open to be about the details on a public forum.
Needless to say, a stressful, unfair, and emotionally/psychologically taxing situation exploded just after the New Year, necessitating a lot of rapid and even more stressful changes that should have been spread out over several weeks happening within the span of one week.
Things are mostly settled, and should finish resolving this week and over the rest of this month.
But holy cow, I can’t remember when I have felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time.
I spent most of yesterday sleeping and still feel more tired than I have in a while.
I am very grateful for the support network that I have in Austin. No one wants their shit to explode, but I feel comforted to know that in the event it does I have people who will help me deal with it. So many people reached out to ask how I was doing, and many others took time out of their busy lives to help me do what needed to be done. I could not have done everything myself.
I am even more grateful to those closest to me, who were gracious about my intense emotions leaking out inappropriately everywhere last week. I am so lucky to have people in my life who are emotionally aware enough to not take my shit personally, and who can gently (or not so gently) help me shift to a more productive mindset when I fall into destructive mental patterns. People who love me and support me even at my worst.
The biggest lesson I am taking away from all of this is to never choose suffering. I stayed in a situation I knew was stressful, unfair, and bad for me because I was afraid of the worst case scenario. Despite my best efforts, that worst case scenario materialized anyway. But on top of it, I had added five months of unnecessary suffering, making me less emotionally capable to deal with what did eventually come to pass anyway.
Every time I have made a decision out of fear, it has been the wrong one. My fear kept me from reaching out earlier to find a better alternative. From a place of fear and shame, I internalized the situation, feeling that it was my fault and I just needed to figure out how to cope. When I surpassed my ability to cope, everything exploded anyway.
Stepping into the unknown is scary. But sometimes it is also necessary. Learning to let go of what is known and stepping into the unknown is difficult. Perhaps one of the most difficult things there is.
But so many times, the unknown is better. Don’t stay in a known that is hurting you. Don’t choose to suffer.
Have a back up plan in place in case that worst case scenario materializes, but also be willing to be courageous.
2015 was a rocky year in a lot of ways, and the first week of 2016 is one of the hardest situations I’ve had to deal with yet.
But I believe things will get better. I am starting a new job soon, and I have a lot to look forward to this spring. Workshops, conferences, a new house, and a visit from my sister who lives in Pittsburgh.
I couldn’t live under all that stress and still do what I had to do. There was a mountain in front of me. Now it’s gone.
Still gathering myself and putting the pieces back together. I still have a lot of work to do. But I think the worst of it is finally over.
I’m ready to move on.