LoveMoreEarlier this week, I hit a bit of a low point in a depression-anxiety spiral. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and having been laid up with my period, was feeling guilty and useless for not getting “enough” done, among other things. Reaching out always helps because I have a tendency to go inwards with those sorts of feelings, and pretending to be more okay than you are uses a surprising amount of energy. Even being able to say, “Hey, in this moment I’m not okay but I want to be,” can take off a lot of the pressure.

Which is one of the fucked-up things about the way we deal with mental illness in our culture, and is one of the reasons I despise small talk. When someone says, “How are you?” I always feel compelled to give a positive or non-committal answer. But even saying I’m “okay” or “fine” when I don’t feel that way brings up feelings of isolation, shame, guilt, and further drains the energy I need to take care of myself. Putting up a front is hard work. Yes, there are people in my life to whom I could say how I really feel, but I wish the “How are you?” exchange didn’t exist otherwise. As a form of small talk, it only forces people with mental or physical disabilities to lie, to dodge, to pretend. To most people, I couldn’t answer, “How are you?” with “In a bit of a depression-anxiety spiral of self-loathing,” and not have them react with fear, pity, or discomfort with me for over-sharing. Or to want to fix it. I want to be able to express not being okay and to have people be able to accept that as an answer and accept that I’m dealing with it to know that that offering help and support is okay but I might not need it, and that if they want to know if they should be worried they can ask, but that if I say no, then I mean it.

I feel lucky I have a friend who’s been dealing with depression for a while who has always allowed me to speak honestly in these moments, and to offer practical, helpful advice without making me feel even worse about myself. I hope I can also be that friend to others, and want to encourage anyone who struggles with mental health issues to reach out to me if they need help. My friend suggested I make a few lists, based on levels of energy, for the least I could accomplish in a day and still feel productive, as well as remembering to reward myself.

The day after, I fell down some stairs and I’ve been laid up. I wish it wasn’t a compulsory break, but it’s hard for me to not do things, and being forced again to have some unproductive days felt good this time because I was thinking about how to take care of myself instead of beating myself up thinking of all the things I “should” be doing or how behind I was.

It’s strange. I started housecleaning so I could have more time. And I do. But in some ways I feel all this guilt (or shame? my therapist says guilt is for when you’ve done something wrong and shame is just when you feel like you have…or something like that) for it now. Instead of really enjoying my free time, I’ve been vacillating between moments of enjoying it and more often moments of feeling that I don’t deserve it since others don’t have it or can’t get it or that I’m not being productive “enough” with it. Like, if I get twice as much done as I used to I could justify it, but if I don’t…..

In short, I’m too hard on myself and self-flagellation doesn’t mix well with a propensity towards depression. I was told for so long that setting boundaries or actually doing what’s right for myself was selfish that now it’s hard for me not to feel that way when I actually manage to make my life better in some way.

So, instead of having a giant to-do list to feel guilty about, or instead of feeling like now I have to accomplish twice as much as I did before to justify having extra time that I’m not at work, I’m going to try going against everything that feels natural and do less. Or allow less to be okay. To think of any day where I do more than the minimum I’ve allowed myself as a good day, rather than a bad one because I didn’t do more than yesterday, or because I still have unchecked tasks on my to-do list.

I’m not going to list things like cleaning appointments or shifts at the store here, but if I have to do those on a super low energy day, then that day gets extra rewards.

List 1: Lowest Energy Days

– Morning Pages

– Get Out of Bed

– Put on Some Clothes – even if just a sarong or tank top (Unless nudity is truly joyful that day)

– Eat Breakfast! (Seriously, I’m bad at this sometimes. Eat anything within 90 minutes of waking up.)

– Eat Lunch

– Eat Dinner

– Write Play for the Day (Even if just one sentence)

– Meditate 2 min

 

List 2: Low-Energy Day

– Meditate 2 min

– Morning Pages

– Get Out of Bed

– Put on Some Clothes – even if just a sarong or tank top (Unless nudity is truly joyful that day)

– Eat Breakfast! (Seriously, I’m bad at this sometimes. Eat anything within 90 minutes of waking up.)

– Eat Lunch

– Eat Dinner

– Shower (If I haven’t in the past 3 days or can’t remember)

– Brush Teeth

– Write Play for the Day (Even if just one sentence)

– Go Outside (Even just a 10 min walk or watering garden)

– Meditate 2 min

 

List 3: Medium-Energy Day

– Meditate 2 min

– Morning Pages

– Get Out of Bed

– Put on Some Clothes – even if just a sarong or tank top (Unless nudity is truly joyful that day)

– Eat Breakfast! (Seriously, I’m bad at this sometimes. Eat anything within 90 minutes of waking up.)

– Eat Lunch

– Eat Dinner

– Shower (If I haven’t in the past 3 days or can’t remember)

– Brush Teeth

– Pick 1: Cook 1 meal for the week / Errand / 1 Load Laundry / 1 Chore Around House / Pay a Bill

– Write Play for the Day (Even if just one sentence)

– Go Outside (Even just a 10 min walk or watering the garden)

– Meditate 2 min

 

List 4: Moderate Energy Day

– Meditate 2 min

– Morning Pages

– Get Out of Bed

– Put on Some Clothes – even if just a sarong or tank top (Unless nudity is truly joyful that day)

– Eat Breakfast! (Seriously, I’m bad at this sometimes. Eat anything within 90 minutes of waking up.)

– Eat Lunch

– Eat Dinner

– Shower (If I haven’t in the past 3 days or can’t remember)

– Brush Teeth

– Pick 3: Cook 1 meal for the week / Errand / 1 Load Laundry / 1 Chore Around House / Pay a Bill

– Write Play for the Day (Even if just one sentence)

– Go Outside (Even just a 10 min walk or watering the garden)

– Meditate 2 min

 

List 5: High Energy Day

– Meditate 2 min

– Morning Pages

– Get Out of Bed

– Put on Some Clothes – even if just a sarong or tank top (Unless nudity is truly joyful that day)

– Eat Breakfast! (Seriously, I’m bad at this sometimes. Eat anything within 90 minutes of waking up.)

– Eat Lunch

– Eat Dinner

– Shower (If I haven’t in the past 3 days or can’t remember)

– Brush Teeth

– Pick 5: Cook 1 meal for the week / Errand / 1 Load Laundry / 1 Chore Around House / Pay a Bill

– Write Play for the Day (Even if just one sentence)

– Go Outside (Even just a 10 min walk or watering the garden)

– Exercise

– Do 1 thing to further my career goals: Article PITCH, read book to review, revisions, personal writing, research, networking

– Meditate 2 min

 

Rewards:

– Chocolate

– A warm bath

– Coloring page

– 1 episode of a NEW show (Or an old show as long as it’s not a distraction tactic)

– Read a book for FUN – Fiction only

– A cup of tea

– Kitty snuggles

– A nap

– Paint my toenails

– Buff and/or paint my fingernails

– Light incense/candle

– People: Cuddles, visit coffee shop, time with friend, etc.

– ??? Feel free to make more suggestions in the comments

 

 

2 thoughts on “Less is More

  1. on list #4, do you MEAN it to say “pick 5” cuz there are only five things.

    I think these are very healthy and I may ponder making something similar. 🙂

    • I could cook 2 meals or pay 2 bills or do 2 chores, though! Like if I sweep the floor and wipe the kitchen counters, that’s two.

Leave a Reply