I’ve been through a lot of changes in the past year.
New career trajectory.
Back in school.
Loss of home.
Moving to a new home.
Trying to do things I’ve never done before that I’m not really sure how to do.
And most recently, the loss of one of my closest relationships.
When you set out to change your life, sometimes you really do lose everything you were terrified of losing.
I feel like a Phoenix, burned down to dust and waiting to be reborn.
Lost at sea in a terrible storm, and trying to repair the mainsail so I can find the wind again.
Feeling pain so deep it washes away everything and threatens to rip me apart.
But there are good things, too.
A best friend who turned her life upside down to make room for me when I needed it, and to pick up my slack when I couldn’t.
People willing to drop everything to help me move, then do it all again three months later.
Friends willing to talk with me over coffee for three hours if that’s what I need or cook me dinner and put in a funny movie.
There’s a woman I’ve been on a handful of dates with, and whom I’ve done no more than hold hands with.
But her husband has been checking in on me and today he called me his metamour.
In a four year relationship, none of my partner’s other partner’s ever reached out to just chat or see how I was doing, or to comfort me in times of stress, or to thank me for making someone they love happy.
It gives me hope.
A tiny seed of hope to plant in the barren wasteland of my heart.
Hope in this process. Hope that this lifestyle can give me what I’ve wanted for so long. Love. Family. A larger, stronger support system. More people to share the load and be there for one another in times of trouble. A kind of intimacy that comes not only from sexual bonds, but from the choice to open your heart to as many people as you can, and to love them all as fiercely as you can.
I’m not alone.
And even if I don’t know what I want from life, from love, from relationships, from anything in this moment, I have a chance to learn. To start over. To build a life I can be proud of. With the people who’ve chosen to be a part of it with me.
And maybe that can be enough.