A room with a window through which the moon can be seen. A large clock on the wall. It is 10pm, say. A woman sits at a desk near the window working. Lights down. Lights up. 11:15pm. The woman is watching a show on television. Lights down. Lights up. 12:30am. The woman looks at the […]
Taking a Leap of Faith
Haven’t meant to neglect this, but a lot has been happening. A lot. Trying to cover OUTsider Festival and do bookselling for several off-site conferences made me realize my current lifestyle isn’t as sustainable as I wanted to think it was. Between working and trying to maintain any semblance of intimate relationships, I’ve had to […]
Thoughts on Auntie Kate
Kate Bornstein has had a profound effect on my life in a way she may never know (unless I decide to get brave and tweet this post @ her). In September, I saw Kate Bornstein is a Queer and Pleasant Danger as a part of the Austin Gay & Lesbian Film Festival. In the film, […]
Planning the Plan
My Passion Planner came in the mail yesterday. Finally! They’ve been having a lot of shipping issues, and I was doing my best to be patient, but I could not have lasted much longer with only a few pieces of computer paper as my planner. I have too much to do! And boy, is that […]
Depression and Inertia
Once I’m feeling overwhelmed, it starts to feel like nothing will ever change and my options for making a difference in my own life are limited. All I can think of are the reasons I can’t do things or why even if I tried it wouldn’t matter because of course I’m just a failure and incompetent at life.
In other words, my brain lies to me.
Stress also makes me feel tired and fatigued, which makes me able to do less because I lack the mental and/or physical energy.
Which only feeds the cycle more.
Because my brain can then say, “See? You can’t even do your laundry or keep up with the dishes or clean the cat box. How will you ever manage X, Y, or Z?”
Then, the stress and guilt from not being able to do even the simplest adult tasks piles onto my other stress and makes me feel even more that I ought to just stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head forever.
Money Troubles Swing Both Ways
Someone told me that when poor people actually manage to have money, they don’t know what to do with it and it becomes a source of stress. That’s kind of how I feel right now.
I have a couple hundred dollars in my bank account somehow, and I will get another couple hundred before the end of the month.
About half of that I will need to help cover rent and bills at the first of the month, but I’m so used to not having any money, or having just enough to buy gas and groceries that it’s still weird.
Christmas Thoughts and Fearless Women
Sometimes I think I could let myself off the hook more.
Maybe doing what I love can be enough.
Maybe I should stop worrying so much about whether what I’m doing is the most important thing I could possibly do, and worry more about if I feel alive.
I want to feel that joy and exuberance Julia Child felt when she graduated from cooking school, and again when her cookbook was published.
And if I was full of that joy, maybe I’d have the energy for something else, too.
Hello, Again
Overall, life is going better for me. Being in therapy is making me realize how far I’ve come with developing coping mechanisms, and that’s positive. I am slowly creating the kind of life I want. Just more slowly than I thought.
I’m still not where I want to be creatively. It’s just hard to have the brain space to think about crafting performances when I work so much. And I have some creative people in my life, but I’m not surrounded by a creative community like I was when I was in school. It feels harder. I am rusty and less brave or willing to make mistakes as a result.
Even Less Than a Year of Poverty Changed Me
I feel guilty buying groceries now. Even when I can afford them. Even when I’m buying protein to make me less hungry on days I do housecleaning. Which is totally legitimate and dare I say necessary to my health and well-being. I kept looking at the food in my shopping cart and thinking about what […]
Strange Intimacies
I started house cleaning again to better make ends meet. I decided to charge more for it this time around, because I think part of the reason I burned out last time is that I was undervaluing my time. I wasn’t sure whether anyone would bite, but it seems the kind of people who can pay […]