I went to hot yoga again tonight. I’m going to a different yoga place for a while because it’s cheaper. But because I’m not used to hot yoga somewhere in the middle I get light-headed from being hot and sweating so much and have to spend some time in child’s pose.

And I was trying really hard to not get down on myself about that tonight – especially when everyone else in the class *looks* like a stereotypical yogi and I…don’t.

And especially when I’ve been doing things wrong on calls at work. I know it’s only my second day on the floor and I should cut myself a break, but I don’t like feeling as if I’m not good at things. I honestly have no conception of how I’m doing because the trainer was supposed to discuss our certification calls with us 1-on-1 but it hasn’t happened yet (for me, anyway).

But even when I feel crappy in the middle of yoga and can’t focus, I always feel better by the end. And I always do my best and most calm thinking then.

Hot yoga especially makes me feel as if I’m a dishtowel that’s been wrung dry. But it’s like all the bad things and all the distracting things are what get wrung out and then all that’s left is me. I felt myself tonight after yoga – not felt *like* myself but could *feel* myself. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense, but I don’t know how else to explain it.

And I was having trouble with the clutch (I totaled my car and the used car I bought is a standard) in my flip flops so I took them off before I pulled out on the main road and drove home barefoot.

And just like I could feel myself I could feel the car.

And it made me realize that driving a standard might be good for me in ways I didn’t realize.

Because having to listen to my car might remind me to listen to myself more often.

And being able to forgive myself and not get stressed out or in my head from stalling the car out or shifting into a gear wrong might help me not be hard on myself when I’m learning other new skills or doing things that take practice to get right.

And even though it’s scary to shift in the dark when I can’t see I went to yoga tonight and drove home after dark. And I made it home safe.  Which reaffirms that just because something seems to difficult to accomplish doesn’t mean it actually is, and that sometimes facing your fears is the right thing to do.

I don’t want to let fear stop me from living my life. So I think I’m going to try merging onto the freeway tomorrow even though it scares me to do that, too, driving with one hand on the wheel and shifting gears.

Where else is fear in my life holding me back?

I know a lot of what leads me to stall my car is psychological – I psych myself out when starting from a red light when I’m back in the line of cars and know the light will turn to yellow, or when I have to get going uphill and there are cars behind me. Somewhere inside I know I can do it but I allow the physical circumstances of a specific point in time dictate my reaction instead of remaining sure of myself.

And I know the only time I do that isn’t sitting at a red light on an incline.

It’s something to think about, anyway.

Wish me luck driving to work in the morning…

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