I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done this month.
After a stressful upheaval the first week in January, I came down with what I think was a terrible case of Cedar Fever. I haven’t had allergies this bad since the fall I moved to Texas. I spent most of a week fatigued and stuffed up with a sore throat and a bad case of brain fog. I’m just about better by now, but I’ve been throwing everything in my arsenal at this thing: mucinex plus allergy meds, throat coat tea, emergen-c, supplements, humidifier, throat lozenges, home remedies…..
I understand the desire and need for a personal assistant. I got a new job, which means that now I have two jobs where other people pay me and two jobs where I am self-employed. Self-employment involves managing a lot of e-mails, appointments, meetings, workshops, and events plus social media and marketing. I am grateful I have a good planner and hope to start using it effectively.
I’m trying to not take on too much, but there’s also so much I want to do! It’s hard to not over-book myself. Self-motivation is a good trait for an entrepreneur, but I need to find balance so I don’t push myself too hard. I can’t work all the time, but it’s hard to not feel on the clock when the lines between work and home are blurred. But I also feel like there are things I want to do, and I feel impatient to make things happen. Good changes are on the horizon. I’m hoping over the next few weeks it will become clearer which opportunities are the best to pursue.
I think it will help if I break everything down into parts and designate each to certain times of the day or week – including time with friends and loved ones. I’ve been a bit of a hermit recently, but it’s hard to balance time alone and social time when you don’t feel well and are behind on work. I want to find people who are excited about the journey I’m on and who want to come along with me, instead of feeling like I’m chasing people down. I know a lot of really cool people, and I want to pursue friendships and a social life, but I also feel unsure of how to approach that in a way that won’t just feel like another set of appointments I’m booking.
I took a self-care yoga class last week and one of the things the instructor said one of the goals was to be your own best friend. And I realized I’m not. I can be really hard on myself and get down on myself when I don’t think I’m being productive in the ways I want to be, or in the ways I think people expect. I expect more from myself than I would from someone I cared about who was in similar circumstances, if I knew what was going on with them.
I’m feeling like maybe it’s also good for me to prioritize myself and my relationship with and to myself right now. I kind of feel like I’m on a train. I’m happy for the train to be full – anyone who wants to can buy a ticket. But you have to be at the station on time. The train isn’t going to wait for you. I don’t know if that’s a selfish way to feel.
I think the poly mindset can extend to friendship in a way. My capacity for love is infinite. There are a lot of awesome people I would like to get to know better. But which ones am I actually compatible with? Who fits in with my life and goals? How many and what kind of friendships do I have time to pursue right now? Maybe it’s okay to just let some people stay as acquaintances instead of continuing to push for a depth that just hasn’t happened over time despite my efforts. Maybe I need to be more judicious about what social opportunities I pursue. Maybe these new opportunities will lead to new friendships. Maybe I need to let go of the idea of orchestrating my social life for a little bit and see who seeks me out.
I want people in my life who are excited to be there. Including me. I’m ready to move forward, and maybe I can’t be concerned about who’s coming with me just now. There’s plenty of room on this train. But I think right now I just need to focus on driving it.