This is for me, because I don’t know where else to say it.

I’ve been crying off and on all day. My sex drive has gone from stalled to hibernating. I’m sure the stress I’m feeling as a result is not helping.

But I also know it can’t only be stress or depression, because I know the effects those have on my libido from experience. This is different. It’s like I can feel desire just out of my reach, like it’s being suppressed by an outside force. I can almost get there, but not quite.

My partner is being very supportive of me and I love him for it, but I’m still terrified this is going to ruin one of the best parts of my life right now, which is my relationship with him. And it also makes it harder to process his other hook-ups when we aren’t having sex. Emotionally, I want to. But my body just isn’t responding.

My sister the nurse thinks its the synthetic progesterone in the Nuva Ring. She suggested a low-dose second-generation pill. I wrote down some names because in my research on second v. third generation pills, I found a blog post by a woman who asked for a second-generation low-dose pill at Planned Parenthood and was prescribed a third-generation pill anyway.

Even without my partner in my life, this would be a stressful situation. I had just really gotten into my sexual stride. I have made so much progress in my journey of self-acceptance and sex-positivity. I was finally at a point where I was really enjoying sex, learning and embracing what I want, and where it was FUN. I really miss it.

There aren’t a lot of fun and enjoyable parts of my life right now. I haven’t even been able to muster up the desire to masturbate in months. And that’s something I’ve never experienced before, no matter how stressed or depressed I was. I don’t feel like myself. I have never felt this disconnected from my body.

It’s like my pelvic area is just numb or dead. But I can’t think dead or I will start sobbing again. That’s my biggest fear. What if it doesn’t wake up?

I can’t afford to miss work right now. I’m barely scraping by as it is. And my menstrual cramps are just too severe without birth control. I can’t even really afford to go to the doctor again, but I can’t live like this.

I want to have sex. I want to want to have sex. I want to live in my body, and be in my body. Right now, I feel like I’m being held hostage instead.

I was on Sprintec before and didn’t suffer any symptoms, so I hope if I can get back on the Pill I will start feeling like myself again.

Sex is an important part of my life and how I find joy and connection in it. I don’t want to lose that. I know desire rises and falls over time with its own natural cycles, but since I was 14 I’ve never gone this long before without needing some sort of sexual release. It feels terrifying in a way I don’t know how to explain.

Sex was the one area of my life that’s been super solid, regardless of what other changes come. Without it, I feel so lost. I like being a horny little slut sometimes, and I was just getting to the point where I could really embrace that part of myself. Sex and BDSM are really important to me. I won’t give them up easily.

Calling Planned Parenthood in the morning to make an appointment. I guess I will ask to make sure when I call, but they must offer second-generation birth control pills. Working a lot this week, so I probably can’t actually go in until next week. But seven days feels like an eternity right now.