I realize I’ve been seeing this process of grief as something to get through.
In the wake of so many large changes and upsets in the past few months, I was beyond ready for things to settle. For things to feel okay.
I wanted the grief to go away.
I thought if I could sit with it and process it, I would come out the other side.
But this wound is tapping into much older and deeper wounds.
I do not think it is going away any time soon.
I have been putting off things I need to do for work, finishing putting the house together, and really looking at all the balls I have dropped over the past few months and seeing which ones need picked up again.
But I have spent what feels like the last six months in stasis and I just can’t do it anymore.
So if this grief is here to stay, I will just have to bring it along with me.
I can accept it as a visitor and companion who needs some of my energy and attention right now.
I know I must be extra kind to myself in these moments, and to not try to rush back full steam into everything I was trying to do before.
But I can pick up one piece at a time.
I can try to allow myself this imperfection.
To sit with my grief but not in it.
To live and move in a space of fragility.
To know that I do not have everything – or even perhaps anything – together, but that a piece at a time I can walk this path.
I don’t have to sit under a tree until everything bad has passed.
Instead of running from the bad feelings, perhaps I can just let them be.
Acknowledge their right to a seat at the table.
To know that they will ebb and flow. That some days will be more difficult than others.
But that there will be days when I can get things done amidst all those feelings.
To not impose a deadline on myself for when I need to be okay.
It feels hard to sit with this pain right after all the other pain.
My heart is tired.
But all the more reason to treat it kindly.
To not expect it to bounce back right away.
Today I was honored to be surrounded by those who are able to hold space for others, some even in the midst of their own deep grief and pain.
To even know such love is possible, and to feel it. That is something.
I can pick up a piece at a time. I can move forward as best as I can.
Those who can love me and my grief will. Those who cannot won’t.
But I do not think I can force it anymore.
I will just let it sit there while I do what I need to do.
I have so much time and space and permission to love myself.
And you do, too.
Don’t let others shame you for your pain because they are too shut down to feel their own.
If you are having a hard time, I am here for you. I see you. I can sit with you in your pain and you can sit with me in mine.
One day at a time. One piece at a time. I will put myself back together. That is the only way.
Thank you Stacey McLarty for contributing to my Patreon! Your support means a lot, and you helped me reach a goal!