I realized yesterday that watching a movie after work was the only real time I’ve had to myself in over a week. Been picking up extra odd jobs and such to make up for one boss being out of town 2 weeks this month and other job being slow.

Between that and trying to keep up with the house when my roommate doesn’t do her share and spending the time I want to spend with my SO and cooking food and getting enough sleep… I really haven’t had any alone time to speak of.

It’s hard, too, because being home is stressful when my roommate is around now, so it feels more relaxing in some ways to visit my SO. But not being home ever is stressful in its own ways.

I wasn’t doing it intentionally. I try to plan time with my SO on my days or evenings off and then I filled in the rest of the time with work or chores without being conscious of it.

This is why it’s dangerous for me to work several part-time jobs. It feels harder to carve out time for myself when I’m accountable to so many different people’s needs. It’s too easy for me to let my own fall by the wayside.

The trouble with being a recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser is falling into old patterns unconsciously.

Being so worried about letting other people down I don’t pay enough attention to my own needs until they are screaming for attention.

Plus a lot of emotional stuff has happened that I haven’t really given my brain the space to process.

My SO and his other partner celebrated their 6 month anniversary.

My estranged father’s birthday, and the postal worker didn’t take the card when I put it in the box so it was late.

Celebrating my 2 year anniversary with my SO.

Had to quit the Mamma Jamma breast cancer ride team at my job because I can’t work 3 jobs and also train for a bike marathon actually, and dealing with the disappointment or perceived disappointment of those who were helping me.

The one year anniversary of HB2 passing, combined with the recent Supreme Court decision.

Creepy sexual advances made by strange men on the Internet.

I just hate feeling like I’m letting anyone down, including myself.

There’s so much I would like to do, but I feel my time and energy are all spoken for. I wanted to be working less, and maybe I am, but not significantly. And now I’m pulled in several different directions simultaneously.

It’s like when  you’re in higher education and every professor thinks their class is the most important but you have to choose which is more important. But of course the other professors can’t understand why you didn’t choose theirs.

Except your professors weren’t paying your rent.

The increased responsibility of working for people with few employees also translates to increased pressure, at least for me. I may have hated my call center job, but the higher ups didn’t actually give a shit about me or my performance. They just pretended to. Which was horrible and stressful in its own way.

I didn’t get any fulfillment out of working somewhere I was just a cog in the wheel. But now I’m putting too much of myself into my work and that’s exhausting in a different way than feeling compartmentalized from my job.

I’ve never been good at achieving balance.

I want to keep my job at the bookstore, so now it’s time to see if I can at least find one other preferably writing gig which will cover the majority of my expenses. Only having to divide my attention two ways instead of three would be a step in the right direction.

It’s just hard to say no to people offering you work when you’re broke. I don’t want them to stop offering I guess?

But as it is I’m being pulled in too many directions and aren’t sure if any of them are actually the direction I want to go.