I’m a pretty introspective person.
That’s why I have a blog, for instance.
I know that creating narratives is an important facet of human experience, and that how we make sense of our experiences and lives matters.
I was re-reading this book I picked up over the summer, Hardcore Zen. And I was thinking that maybe that book was right, and I need to focus more on living in the here and now instead of in the past and future.
I haven’t been trained on the new system at work yet so the call volume has been pretty low and mostly consisting of me transferring people to someone who can actually access their accounts.
I have been thinking that maybe I will just stick it out at this job and focus on what I am doing and where I am going once my lease is up.
Especially because the odds are low I can find a job with a comparable salary to my current one. Especially now that I am accruing paid time off – some of which I could use the end of June potentially to help with moving.
I was actually starting to feel better about things and to appreciate and focus on what is going well in my life and what I have to be thankful for.
And then yesterday on the way to work I got rear-ended at a stop light because my car stalled when the light turned green and I went to go and the girl behind me wasn’t paying enough attention to notice I wasn’t moving forward.
And the adjuster came today to look at my car and says it’s totaled.
The car I just bought a little over 4 months ago when my last car got totaled.
Just to recap, this is the third accident I’ve been involved in in less than a year – one in May, one in October, and one in February. The end of June isn’t looking too good for me if this trend keeps up.
What are the odds, though, of having two cars totaled in less than six months? Or of being rear-ended twice in the same year and getting a back and neck sprain both times?
I just got my back sorted out from May and now I feel like I’m back at square one.
And her insurance is offering me over $1000 less for my car than what I paid for it in October, so I don’t think I could find a decent car with the settlement money. Since all the damage is to the back end, I guess I am going to do the best I can to try to get it repaired, even if that means I can’t use my trunk.
I just can’t believe this is happening to me.
I have next Monday off so I was going to get to have a nice long weekend out of town, but now the chances look slim that will work out.
And I had to miss both my weekly D&D game and yoga for this week – two of the things that help keep me sane and make my life good.
I just feel like whenever things are looking up or going well or I’m excited about something or manage to appreciate my life in the moment, something bad happens.
I was also supposed to go to a job interview this week but now that’s postponed until who knows when. I was waiting to see how that goes before I decided for sure about what to do about my job, but now I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how to stay positive anymore.
I don’t know what sense I’m supposed to make of this.
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, someone can just hit you from behind with no warning and ruin everything.
One minute you’re on your way to work and looking forward to the weekend and the next you’re waiting for the cops and staring at your smashed-in trunk.
If there was any way to get to work without a car I would just get rid of it.
But until I move I have to have one.
So any hopes of being able to sell my car once I move are probably gone now that it’s been totaled.
And if the settlement money isn’t enough to do the repairs I really don’t know what I’m going to do.
I just want to hide under a rock or for yesterday to never have happened.
How am I supposed to be Zen with a fucked-up back and a totaled car?
I was having enough trouble as it is.
I thought maybe things were going to get better in 2013, but there goes that hope, too.
It feels like graduate school was another world sometimes. It’s hard to remember what it felt like. I may have been stressed, but at least I was happy.
I don’t have much to be happy about these days, and I’m missing all the things I do have to look forward to for this week due to the accident.
I’m grateful I have friends to sit with me in the ER and take me to/pick me up from work tomorrow. I really am.
I’m doing the best I can to deal with my life the way it is now.
But today, I really don’t know how to anymore.
Because no matter how hard I try to see the silver lining, it’s still mostly clouds.