I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done this month. After a stressful upheaval the first week in January, I came down with what I think was a terrible case of Cedar Fever. I haven’t had allergies this bad since the fall I moved to Texas. I spent most of a week fatigued and stuffed […]
Play a Day: MIA
A woman sits at a desk stacked high with books. Her forehead is barely visible behind them. Someone peeks in the office looking for her, doesn’t see her, and leaves, thinking she’s out to lunch.
Play a Day: It All Comes Out in the Wash
The stage is separated into four quadrants. Section 1: A white board. Someone is doing advanced calculations, attempting to balance an equation. Section 2: A couple trying to hang a painting. Hand motions: A little bit higher, a little bit lower, a little to the left. Section 3: A child building towers with blocks and knocking […]
Play a Day: Lessons
A woman sits in a ball pit. Behind her, a YouTube video about how to learn to juggle plays on a projection screen.
Planning the Plan
My Passion Planner came in the mail yesterday. Finally! They’ve been having a lot of shipping issues, and I was doing my best to be patient, but I could not have lasted much longer with only a few pieces of computer paper as my planner. I have too much to do! And boy, is that […]
Depression and Inertia
Once I’m feeling overwhelmed, it starts to feel like nothing will ever change and my options for making a difference in my own life are limited. All I can think of are the reasons I can’t do things or why even if I tried it wouldn’t matter because of course I’m just a failure and incompetent at life.
In other words, my brain lies to me.
Stress also makes me feel tired and fatigued, which makes me able to do less because I lack the mental and/or physical energy.
Which only feeds the cycle more.
Because my brain can then say, “See? You can’t even do your laundry or keep up with the dishes or clean the cat box. How will you ever manage X, Y, or Z?”
Then, the stress and guilt from not being able to do even the simplest adult tasks piles onto my other stress and makes me feel even more that I ought to just stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head forever.
Things I Want
I feel like the first step toward achieving a goal is to state it in some concrete way. I’m still waiting for my Passion Planner in the mail, so I might as well do it here for now. Here are some things I want, either for 2015 or just the future in general: * To […]
Overall, life is going better for me. Being in therapy is making me realize how far I’ve come with developing coping mechanisms, and that’s positive. I am slowly creating the kind of life I want. Just more slowly than I thought.
I’m still not where I want to be creatively. It’s just hard to have the brain space to think about crafting performances when I work so much. And I have some creative people in my life, but I’m not surrounded by a creative community like I was when I was in school. It feels harder. I am rusty and less brave or willing to make mistakes as a result.
I started house cleaning again to better make ends meet. I decided to charge more for it this time around, because I think part of the reason I burned out last time is that I was undervaluing my time. I wasn’t sure whether anyone would bite, but it seems the kind of people who can pay […]
Trying to Make Sense of It All
I’m happy with some parts of my life right now, and I try to be grateful for what’s good in my life. But there are other areas where I’m very dissatisfied. I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party. I just keep feeling like maybe if I write out what I don’t like and […]