I went on a walk after work today. That might not seem like much, but it’s something to me. I had to talk myself into it. The sun was setting and I wasn’t sure whether it would be dark in thirty minutes. You see, if I walk from my house to the end of the […]
A page a day calendar hangs on the wall. A woman is working hard, but facing away from it. As the sun rises and sets, someone comes along behind her, tearing off a new page to reveal the next day’s date. The woman doesn’t notice them. Eventually, the woman looks up. She is startled at […]
A woman center stage tapping a pen on a notebook, thinking. Someone rides by on a bicycle. A couple pass by holding hands. A kid chases after an errant soccer ball. A clock on a nearby church tolls the hour.
The woman from Day 15 puts down her notepad and pencil to go for a walk around the auditorium to clear her head. Halfway back to the stage, she gets an idea. She runs back to the stage to write it down, but by the time she gets there, it is gone again.
A woman sits with a notepad, tapping a pencil on the paper. No words come.
One of my favorite aspects of art and performance is putting related pieces into conversation with one another, enriching the conversation surrounding a given topic. I’m so very happy with the way OUTsider Festival’s programming is facilitating those sorts of conversations, and I only wish I had the opportunity to participate more fully this year. […]
I never feel quite so Western as in those moments when I’m confronted with Asian modes of performance. So it’s only fitting that the second night of OUTsider Festival in Austin featured a performance by Prumsodun Ok, a practitioner of Cambodia’s Khmer classical dance. I think it’s important to be aware of and claim those moments […]
My Passion Planner came in the mail yesterday. Finally! They’ve been having a lot of shipping issues, and I was doing my best to be patient, but I could not have lasted much longer with only a few pieces of computer paper as my planner. I have too much to do! And boy, is that […]
Once I’m feeling overwhelmed, it starts to feel like nothing will ever change and my options for making a difference in my own life are limited. All I can think of are the reasons I can’t do things or why even if I tried it wouldn’t matter because of course I’m just a failure and incompetent at life.
In other words, my brain lies to me.
Stress also makes me feel tired and fatigued, which makes me able to do less because I lack the mental and/or physical energy.
Which only feeds the cycle more.
Because my brain can then say, “See? You can’t even do your laundry or keep up with the dishes or clean the cat box. How will you ever manage X, Y, or Z?”
Then, the stress and guilt from not being able to do even the simplest adult tasks piles onto my other stress and makes me feel even more that I ought to just stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head forever.
Overall, life is going better for me. Being in therapy is making me realize how far I’ve come with developing coping mechanisms, and that’s positive. I am slowly creating the kind of life I want. Just more slowly than I thought.
I’m still not where I want to be creatively. It’s just hard to have the brain space to think about crafting performances when I work so much. And I have some creative people in my life, but I’m not surrounded by a creative community like I was when I was in school. It feels harder. I am rusty and less brave or willing to make mistakes as a result.