Wow, I can see my decision to blog once a week is going swimmingly.
I knew it had been a minute since I wrote here, but I didn’t realize it had been a month.
Ah, well. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
I’m here now, and hopefully you are, too.
Things are good. Hectic, but good.
Housecleaning is helping me not be quite on the outer limits of poverty. Still not doing well with saving money but I’ve bought some things I needed. Like new pillows, new panties, new shoes.
It’s also nice to be able to go to the grocery store and not really think too hard about how much money I’m spending.
And to be able to buy vegetables at the farmer’s market.
At the same time, working three jobs is still hard. (I think always hard).
My brain only has so much energy to focus on whatever needs focusing on.
My job at the bookstore requires a lot of attention to detail. I’ve also been getting closer to 30 hours a week than 25 of late.
I hope my boss can hire someone else in the new year, but I know it’s hard to find someone who has availability but also doesn’t need 20 hours a week. And she can’t afford to pay someone else 20 hours a week.
Cleaning isn’t bad, but too much of it is tiring. Right now I clean for 3 people twice a month, plus an extra time of cleaning floors for one woman who hosts a monthly party. So that’s seven cleanings a month, give or take.
I try to clean in the morning when I work evenings, but that makes for 10-12 hour days, even if I get a long lunch in the middle (usually). I can really only do that twice a week.
Only sometimes, like this week, that ends up meaning cleaning 4 days out of six in a row. Which is a lot.
I also haven’t been sleeping well, which makes my brain mush.
At least I get to sleep in some for tomorrow.
Overall, life is going better for me.
Being in therapy is making me realize how far I’ve come with developing coping mechanisms, and that’s positive.
I am slowly creating the kind of life I want.
Just more slowly than I thought.
I’m still not where I want to be creatively.
It’s just hard to have the brain space to think about crafting performances when I work so much.
And I have some creative people in my life, but I’m not surrounded by a creative community like I was when I was in school.
It feels harder. I am rusty and less brave or willing to make mistakes as a result.
It’s been so long since I performed I have trouble rationalizing my identity as an artist, which is damaging to my creativity.
A word of advice from an acquaintance was to just have fun.
I could use more fun in my life for sure.
More room to play.
Plus, I’ve gotten a lot more costume pieces and fancy dresses from clothing swaps and my roommate’s purging of old clothes that don’t fit.
I need some excuse to wear corsets and lace and sequins and ballgowns.
I think if I can just find a space where it’s okay if I’m silly or bad or over-the-top.
But there’s a little too much reality in my life right now, and not enough make-believe. I could use some magic and some emotional catharsis.
I need to put on someone else’s skin for a while.
(In a non-creepy, non-serial killer kind of way.)