Maybe it’s because I am (was?) an English major.
Maybe it’s because I am fairly introspective.
But today a few situations in my life which are metaphors for my mind-state about other situations came to the surface.
I’ve been trying to finish up some crafty projects lately during my time between calls at work, including clothes and costume pieces for Burning Flipside.
I bought this blue yarn and I was going to try to make it into a crocheted halter top. I had trouble finding a pattern that I liked, and finally stumbled onto a pattern for just a spring top that I liked. But I couldn’t make it turn out right.
So I found another pattern and started that one.
But then at the Pecan Street Festival in Austin this weekend I saw a cute crocheted beach cover-up so I thought I’d do that instead. But I can’t make that work right, either, and I was working in some leftover verigated yarn as well so now I will have all these square knots to deal with if I try yet another pattern, instead of just being able to crochet with one solid strand of yarn.
And I was trying to be all Zen about ripping out my work over and over again, but I’m just not anymore. Work is repetitive enough without me literally crocheting the same rows over and over again during my already frustrating and slow day.
Crocheting was supposed to be the opposite of that.
It was supposed to be the thing relaxing me.
And the most annoying part is I don’t know whether it’s the pattern or if it’s me.
Is the pattern not clear or am I not good enough at crocheting to make it turn out like the picture?
And how am I supposed to know?
And why does it matter so much to me?
I guess I just feel like nothing is working out right the first time lately.
My new glasses keep sliding down my nose and I’ve had them adjusted repeatedly so I think it’s the frame being too heavy. I need to get the details but apparently my eye plan will cover a one-time redo. Even so, I already had to go there for my eye appointment, wait a week to pick up my glasses and be late to work getting them adjusted the first time and then go back twice to get them adjusted again.
And I keep thinking of last time this happened with Lenscrafters a few years ago (slightly different- the representative didn’t tell me that the bottomless frames wouldn’t work with my prescription) and when I got another pair of frames then they messed up the lenses. These are different people, but still. What if that happens again? I can’t afford to pay any more money than I already have for these things.
And I still have to keep calling about the Allstate claim, too.
And this thing I bought on-line didn’t work quite the way I thought it would so I had to check back on that.
And then the inside passenger handle on my car broke this weekend. Which is fairly common according to the Internet for my model of car and theoretically DIY but is just another thing for me to have to call about and get taken care of. And if I try to do it myself will I just break it more? etc., etc.
I feel like even when I do the things on my to-do list I just have to keep doing them over again.
Even when I apply for jobs or look for apartments I have to do it again.
And there’s so much to get ready for the move that I can’t even do yet because I have to do something else first or figure out something else first.
And this past weekend my lover and I were doing a belated birthday dinner since I missed the “real” one and we couldn’t find parking at the first place we wanted and had to go somewhere else and I was really stressed out trying to drive downtown and I ended up getting upset and then being upset about being upset because I felt like this was just another thing I couldn’t make go right.
Even though it was fine and the food we did eat was really yummy.
I feel like I’m too caught up in the what-ifs and frustrations to be able to enjoy the positives.
Like hey, I get new glasses. And I got to try a new restaurant. And a replacement for the car door handle is only like $11 on-line because you can just unscrew that piece and screw in a new one instead of taking apart the door.
But no, I just go into this downward mental spiral thinking that I’ll never be able to drive in Austin and what if I can’t sell my car for enough money to buy a plane ticket to visit my sister after all and what if I get better frames but the screw up the lens coating so I still can’t see to drive at night.
I feel like I’m turning into my Mother and I don’t want to.
I just have a lot of complicated stuff to do in the next few months and it’s already hard enough without all this added stress of re-doing everything I already have done once.
I need to stop focusing on the negatives but it’s hard.
And when getting to work and cooking and keeping up with laundry is about all I can manage it’s hard not to think about possibly going to therapy again as just another thing I’m too tired to do. Especially when 90% of the therapists I’ve gone to were really patronizing. The last thing I need right now is someone treating me like a 5-yr old if I miss a session. And there’s also paying for it since the cheap place isn’t open hours that are copacetic with my work schedule.
There’s just that nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps asking, “What if it’s me?”
What if I just can’t figure out the crochet pattern but it really does work?
What if moving won’t actually make my life better?
What if I’m just destined to be miserable no matter what?
What if it’s me?
And I know that is not a useful train of thought but it’s hard to de-rail once it’s on the tracks.
I just need something to go right the first time.