I read an article recently, which I cannot find, which gave reference to the idea that time management is impossible under capitalism.
That it’s a trick, basically. That it is a Sisyphean task which we will never actually be able to accomplish.
I think I am starting to believe that.
Already, I’m not spending as much time with friends (or people I hope will become friends) as I would prefer.
Tasks are piling up around the house at an alarming rate, and I can’t seem to catch up, let alone get ahead.
My chore chart mocks me as I struggle to make time for cooking food to eat or doing laundry, let alone anything else.
Meanwhile, my bicycle collects dust in my bedroom and fabric sits on my ottoman still waiting to be turned into an apron.
But I don’t have time for hobbies.
How does anyone?
You have time for what you make time for, I know that.
And the entire point of this house cleaning venture is to open up more time, though starting a business is a lot of work in the start-up phase.
I hope next month will be significantly easier, though I still have to get through this one.
Meanwhile, my bank account is almost empty and I can’t allow myself to think of the charges I’ve racked up on my credit card in the past month, right after I paid it off.
My federal student loans will be back in repayment soon as well.
Meanwhile, I envy all the people I see riding their bikes around town because I long to be among them.
I long for leisure.
I know part of it is making my self care time more mindful.
It’s too easy to mindlessly spend two hours watching Netflix, and not to feel any more recharged afterwards.
But it’s also difficult to BE mindful when you’re tired.
I want to bike, I want to do yoga, I want to be writing more here.
I want to not think about what I’m going to say at my open mic on the drive to the bar. I want to have a monologue in at least it’s second draft I can perform and get feedback on.
I want someone, anyone, to sign up for my performance workshop.
Maybe what I’m learning about marketing I can start to apply to my artistic work as well.
I don’t know how to do anything less in most areas of my life and not go crazy, and I don’t see a way to work less this month.
I thought having three days off from the store instead of two would help, but they always fill up with errands, or everything takes twice as long as it should.
I’m grumpy and I don’t want to be.
I need time to be alone and time to be with the people I love and the people I want to learn to love.
And time to sleep.
And sometimes I wonder how much of this cleaning venture is physician, heal thyself.
How can I reduce my own stress? How can I cultivate a more comfortable and affirming home environment for myself?
Why do I never seem to feel at home where I hang my hat?
I need a vacation.
I hope this trip to Chicago can provide the rest I sorely need.
I’m learning a lot, and I think I can see the end of the tunnel, but I wish I could rest now.
And I wish I didn’t feel as if nothing will get done unless I do it myself.