Haven’t meant to neglect this, but a lot has been happening. A lot. Trying to cover OUTsider Festival and do bookselling for several off-site conferences made me realize my current lifestyle isn’t as sustainable as I wanted to think it was. Between working and trying to maintain any semblance of intimate relationships, I’ve had to […]
Ebb and Flow
Still getting back in touch with my sexuality at the moment. To catch everyone up to speed, I’ve been on birth control since 2010 to control pre-menstrual symptoms. I always had rough periods, even as a teenager. The kind which necessitate curling up with a heating pad and blanket on the couch and taking copious […]
Depression and Inertia
Once I’m feeling overwhelmed, it starts to feel like nothing will ever change and my options for making a difference in my own life are limited. All I can think of are the reasons I can’t do things or why even if I tried it wouldn’t matter because of course I’m just a failure and incompetent at life.
In other words, my brain lies to me.
Stress also makes me feel tired and fatigued, which makes me able to do less because I lack the mental and/or physical energy.
Which only feeds the cycle more.
Because my brain can then say, “See? You can’t even do your laundry or keep up with the dishes or clean the cat box. How will you ever manage X, Y, or Z?”
Then, the stress and guilt from not being able to do even the simplest adult tasks piles onto my other stress and makes me feel even more that I ought to just stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head forever.
Money Troubles Swing Both Ways
Someone told me that when poor people actually manage to have money, they don’t know what to do with it and it becomes a source of stress. That’s kind of how I feel right now.
I have a couple hundred dollars in my bank account somehow, and I will get another couple hundred before the end of the month.
About half of that I will need to help cover rent and bills at the first of the month, but I’m so used to not having any money, or having just enough to buy gas and groceries that it’s still weird.
Cutthroat I Ain’t
I recently started watching Cutthroat Kitchen on Netflix. I’ve seen it once or twice on someone else’s cable TV and wasn’t a huge fan, but I love Alton Brown. Plus, let’s face it, I’ve already powered through all the episodes of Good Eats, Chopped, and Man v Food streaming on Netflix so I need some […]
Hello, Again
Overall, life is going better for me. Being in therapy is making me realize how far I’ve come with developing coping mechanisms, and that’s positive. I am slowly creating the kind of life I want. Just more slowly than I thought.
I’m still not where I want to be creatively. It’s just hard to have the brain space to think about crafting performances when I work so much. And I have some creative people in my life, but I’m not surrounded by a creative community like I was when I was in school. It feels harder. I am rusty and less brave or willing to make mistakes as a result.
Strange Intimacies
I started house cleaning again to better make ends meet. I decided to charge more for it this time around, because I think part of the reason I burned out last time is that I was undervaluing my time. I wasn’t sure whether anyone would bite, but it seems the kind of people who can pay […]
Ch-ch-ch-changes
A lot of things are changing right now, and hopefully for the better. Old roommate moved out, and new roommate moved in. Still a few loose ends to sort out over the next several days, but I am much more compatible with the new roommate overall, so feeling good about that. I have a small […]
F*ck Capitalism
Another chapter in the “Being Poor Sucks” anthology. Using mint.com, I figured out that part of my problem is that I only accounted for monthly expenses in my budget. Less frequent expenses, like haircuts, oil changes, and renewing my car registration, mean I would need to make at least another $100 a month. Which explains […]
Just Lost
This is for me, because I don’t know where else to say it. I’ve been crying off and on all day. My sex drive has gone from stalled to hibernating. I’m sure the stress I’m feeling as a result is not helping. But I also know it can’t only be stress or depression, because I know the […]